Monthly practice and insights into transformation, compassion, and relationships..
Hi there,
I’ve been out of commission for a few weeks and am just getting back into things. It reminded me a lot about how we need others to succeed, and how our capacity is such a delicate resource.
Also, our next men’s circle is on Monday, so act quickly to claim your spot. Scroll down for more, and to sign up!
On Capacity and Needing Help
Three weeks ago I rolled my ankle on a warm up with my run club. I was jogging along and chatting with my friends when I stepped into a hole in the ground I couldn’t see. In slow motion I first saw, then felt my ankle twist into a position it had never been in before. It didn’t even hurt, but some part of me could feel the break in my ankle. I dropped down, getting my weight off the foot as quickly as I could, but it was too late.
I’m one of those “high functioning” people who can keep going, bleary eyed on three hours of sleep, or typing with my hand in a cast from a broken thumb. By the next day my foot was swollen and painful. I could barely walk, yet I insisted on hobbling around the house and running my errands as usual. I was dimly aware that I wasn’t getting “enough” done, that I wasn’t keeping up with the workload I had set for myself. Clearly, something was wrong but I thought it would pass.
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The doctors tell me it’ll likely be another nine weeks before I’m fully healed. During these first three weeks I’ve been frustrated by my limited capacity. Getting dressed and ready to go for the day has been taking two hours, both because of the pain and the mental load of thinking about every small movement. During the first week, the pain alone was enough to force me to lie down and do nothing for hours on end.
I’m fortunate enough that all the relationships in my life right now are in good shape. I’m dating someone wonderful who stepped up to care for me. My son has been comind by more often to help out. My friends have been checking in on me and encouraging me. Even community members I rarely talk to have reached out to see how I am. But what if my life weren’t so well aligned?
You Can’t Do It All, Alone
Whenever we’re thinking about our lives it’s important to recognize what we can accomplish given our current state and circumstances. I always say “work to your level” and that may mean not working at all. Even with everything in my life going well, I was too injured to get much work done this past few weeks.
What if my bandwidth were diminished like this and I was going through a divorce? What if I was experiencing financial strife? Or a career change? A move? The loss of a loved one? How would I cope?
If you’re a man reading this thinking, “This is me,” you’re not alone. I host a men’s circle at the Zula Den in LA where men come together for support. The next one is on Monday, April 6th at 7:30pm. We’d love to have you join.
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It’s scary to think what my life would be like if I were fighting with my partner during this time. I can’t imagine I would have the emotional bandwidth to care for their feelings and sooth my self while in pain. It’s hard to empathize with the needs of another when our own needs for autonomy and purpose have been taken from us.
Focusing on achievement led me to neglect my self. When you consider your own life, are you being a “high functioning” person who is inadvertently neglecting yourself? When people ask things of you, are you able to let them know kindly that you are at your limit? Are you able to do the vulnerable thing and ask for care and support when you need it? Even harder, can you accept the love and support offered when people come through for you?
Often, the easiest thing to do is to go it alone and not burden others with our needs. It’s less vulnerable to give to others than to receive. The cost of living that kind of life, however, is over extension and disconnection. We end up unsuccessful and alone. After all, if we never have any needs and we’re always the one to show up for others then the only people who will stay around are the ones who never give. I’ve been there and maybe you have, too. Here’s how to change things.
3-Steps For Success and Connection
You can know that something is needed, and even know how it works, but until you practice it things won’t change. Follow these three steps, right now, to start your journey of change.
- Acknowledge that you are at your limit. Say this out loud, “Right now I absolutely cannot, and that’s ok”
- Imagine yourself as your best friend or as a child, someone you would want to rest and take care of themselves. What specifically would you insist they do to care for themselves?
- Reach out to people you know would love to be there for you, if you don’t have such people, take a chance. It can be terrifying to reach out for help, but by asking for help we give others the chance to support us in unexpected ways. After all, you’d be there for them if they asked.
My injury has humbled me. It also reminded me that asking for help is how we stay connected. Hit reply and let me know: what’s one thing you’ve been afraid to ask for help with? I read every email.
Take care,
Keith
