Hi Reader,
It’s a struggle when we’re trying to face a challenge but we don’t have the capacity to handle it yet. Sometimes it can even feel like the problem is outside of ourselves. I procrastinated for years before launching my business, blaming circumstances or my family situation. I felt frustrated. I didn’t have the capacity to face my fear of doing something bold. Our frustration is an invitation to grow.
Healing requires that we acknowledge our difficulties, gain capacity to tolerate the discomfort, and finally address the issue inside. You’ve likely already completed step one. This newsletter is on how to grow your capacity. In the future we’ll cover addressing the wounds that stick with us.
When Our Capacity Fails
I remember a time over a dozen years ago when I got triggered by one of my daughters. I was in the bathroom flossing and my teen barged in and did something that angered me. (I don’t recall what anymore.) Before I had time to think my emotions took over and I moved quickly grabbing my daughter’s wrist and yelling. I can still see her collapsed to the floor in fear of my anger.
While my example is specific to me, most people I’ve met can look back and identify a time when they didn’t have the capacity to handle a situation. Maybe they collapsed in the face of an overwhelming challenge, froze when given a life changing opportunity, or like me they lashed out when something small felt big. In each case, we needed more capacity for the emotions we were experiencing.
Looking for a welcoming space to explore breathwork and connection? Join my in-person Men’s Circle with Breathwork on June 22 at 7:30pm. It's a supportive gathering for men in LA to practice presence and emotional capacity. Reserve your spot here.
Growing capacity doesn’t have to take years. Three months of targeted effort can change how we handle challenges and open the door to greater healing and freedom. It’s a simple yet difficult process. Here are three possible ways to increase our capacity:
Meditation
Mindfulness mediation increases our capacity by training our attention. It enables us to notice the jolt of energy that courses through us and then shift our attention, even when someone says something insulting. During mindfulness meditation disturbing thoughts naturally come to mind. Our job is to acknowledge those thoughts and gently turn our attention back to our breath. We get better at accepting unwelcome experiences and staying calm.
During a body-scan meditation we learn how each part of our body feels, where we hold tension, and what parts we have difficulty relaxing. By growing that awareness and learning to breathe into the tension we improve our ability to remain calm. We learn to notice and unclench our jaw or relax our shoulders during a tense moment. Our improved attention allows us to connect with our body and prevent over-reactions when triggered.
Journaling
Keeping a journal allows us to get perspective on the things that happen in life. If we can focus on our emotional experience and write about that, rather than our story of what happened, we increase our awareness of our own emotions and what triggers them. Moreover, taking the time to reflect on our own behavior reveals to us ways in which we’d like to improve, like being less angry or more empowered. We even gain some insight into how we see ourselves in the world. Journaling reveals beliefs that we may not have noticed.
Breathwork
Breathwork brings our attention to intense sensations in our bodies that often only occur during stressful moments. In some ways breathwork simulates being triggered: we shake, our breath is quick, and we might feel overwhelmed. Breathwork shows us that emotions and stress are safe. These physical sensations are just our body’s way of processing.
Even more, we get to feel that activation during a time when things are going well. Often people associate physical activation with the emotions that arise during negative experiences, like when we're in an argument. Emotions are neutral, they inform us that something meaningful is happening. Breathwork helps us handle those meaningful moments.
As we grow our capacity, we become better at staying present when life throws challenges our way. Years later I had a difficult interaction with another of my teen daughters. We were in the kitchen and she was angry about some rules I had set down for her. She was yelling and arguing, and eventually screamed in my face that she hated me. It wasn’t easy to face the emotions and aggressive behavior of someone I love but I had gained the ability to feel my own experience, while making space for hers.
My capacity had grown.
That growth allowed me to respond to her anger and yelling with compassion. I could see she was hurting and instead of yelling back I offered a hug. I held her and told her I loved her while she cried tears of exhaustion. Ultimately she was just having a hard day and needed gentleness, something I was unable to give to her big sister years earlier. Today I’m proud of myself for the growth I’ve achieved. I’m still far from perfect, and I sometimes let people down, but I can show up with much more space for those that I love.
It doesn’t matter where you start, nor how. The important part is that you find a way to grow your capacity that works for you. Practice it for the next 30 days and I guarantee you’ll be surprised at the challenges you can address more readily than you could before.
Want to grow your capacity to handle life’s challenges? Book a free 30-minute consultation call with me. We’ll identify your single biggest obstacle and explore how coaching can help you build the capacity to face it. I hold a small number of flexible-pricing slots for clients that need it. Schedule your call here.
I love exploring this kind of thing and do it all the time with clients. If you've experienced a time when you need more capacity, or can look back with pride at a time when you really crushed it, I want to know!
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Your coach,
Keith
