Issue #8 Keith Swallow Newsletter

~5 minute read

Love Is Logistics

I get so frustrated with therapists and coaches who try to frame every relationship issue as an unmet emotional need. When I'm coaching I try to see the whole picture, including how real life circumstances impact our emotional health. Emotional needs are important and there's an emotional component to every conflict, but sometimes an issue can be primarily practical. Ask any sleep deprived parent if their real problem is that they don't feel supported by their partner, or that they haven't slept in days.

Romantic partnership is, by definition, interdependent. We choose to build a life with someone, to depend on them for our emotional and practical needs, and agree to have them depend on us in the same way. Anything less may be a relationship, but it isn't partnership.

You Can't Thrive With Unmet Emotional Needs

Having our emotional needs go unmet in partnership is enough to end the entire relationship. I think we all know, or have been, the person who isn't getting emotional support in partnership despite the practicalities of life aligning.

I've had breakups with wonderful partners because we couldn't find a way to leave each other feeling fulfilled. I remember sitting across the couch from my girlfriend, each of us unable to say the loving words the other needed.

Practical Needs are Just as Load-Bearing

The opposite is also true, although perhaps less common. There are plenty of partnerships where each person feels comforted in the moment, but as soon as they are no longer together they can tell things are not working. Two people can care deeply and be able to validate each other's emotions, but without adjusting to the practical life needs of the other, struggle is inevitable.

I knew a couple who met and clicked instantly. They wanted the same things out of a relationship and had great chemistry. Unfortunately, he needed to move out of state to take over his family business and she couldn't move away from her kids. They made things work for a year but their practical needs drove them apart.

Real Difficulty, Real Divorce

When I was married, I was the sole financial provider and my wife took care of the home life. While I made good money the cost of raising a family on one income was a stretch and we could never seem to save or get out of debt. I was constantly worried that we'd be unable to pay our bills, or worse, end up homeless.

Throughout the marriage I asked my then-wife to help in any way she could. Clipping coupons, batch cooking, managing the budget, or even finding work outside the home. For her part she had a disability and there were usually small children at home which made some of the options for helping impractical. It's not that she was totally unwilling, but the circumstances made support from her nearly impossible.

This left me between a rock and a hard place. I would stay up late at night scheming to find ways to pay bills with money we simply didn't have. I'd anxiously rework the budget trying to cut back on groceries or other necessities just to relieve the fear gnawing at my stomach.

Over the years, chronic stress and an inability to actually get ahead decimated our relationship. The stress and cost of moving to a new city pushed us over the edge. It was overwhelming and we decided to separate. It took almost two years to divorce, precisely because our financial situation was so rough that we couldn't get our heads above water.

Is it Negativity or Hidden Incompatibility?

If you read closely you might notice that there was an emotional component to my divorce, and you'd be right. We'd been caught in a negative cycle for years. I remember sitting with her, reviewing the budget and begging her to help make ends meet. She wanted to help so badly but the lost look in her face let me know it was beyond her ability. Over time the hurt, disappointment, and frustration all became too much.

This might seem like a negative emotional cycle, but it was fundamentally a practical problem. In partnership two people agree to make each other's lives easier and better. When that doesn't happen, whether through malice, disability, addiction, or any other reason, resentment is almost guaranteed.

The emotional cycle was really just a symptom of a deeper incompatibility. When two people are relying on each other, but one or both cannot meet the other's needs, the partnership becomes unsustainable.

Conclusion

If you're doing everything you can to be loving, don't assume that you're failing just because your partner is unhappy. There may be practical need that is going unmet. Try listening for that need, and pushing yourself beyond what you would usually do in order to meet it. Put in more time, throw money at a solution, or try something new to help your partner deal with their stressors. Addressing that real-world friction may be what it takes to improve your partnership.

It's nearly impossible to tease apart these differences in relationship by yourself. Have you had this kind of mismatch in your life? What did you learn from it?

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Your coach,

Keith