Issue #7 Keith Swallow Newsletter

What We're Really Asking For

~5 minute read

Mike and I used to be really good friends. We'd hang out regularly and get into deep, meaningful conversations. We'd talk each other through relationship struggles, go for a hike, or just hang. Over the years our dynamic changed. We stopped being fun friends, and he would only come to me when he had a problem.

I let Mike know that I was happy to support a friend but I really wanted the old times when we'd joke and goof off. I missed being friends, rather just someone for him to lean on. When I shared this, Mike barely responded. He quickly changed the subject back to himself and his issues.

In that moment I felt deeply disconnected. I remember the sensation of cold settling in my chest. It wasn't abrupt and I wasn't angry, but the warmth of friendship between us cooled. Over time, I reiterated my need for a friend but Mike never really understood. Each attempt left me with more tense and resentful. Within a few months we were no longer close.

When we go to someone for emotional support we're usually not looking for much. Most of the time we just need a small gesture to let us know we're not alone. Maybe some reassurance or perhaps we need someone to tell us that we're not crazy for feeling that way. We might need them to let us know they understand what we're going through. It could be that we just need someone to reflect back to us what we've got going, or someone to just be with us in our struggle.

I grieved that friendship for a while, and still look back with the heaviness of disappointment. Nobody wants to lose a good friend, nor be a bad one. Most of us just haven't been taught the skills of meaningful connection, but we can learn. Here are five emotionally supportive ways that Mike could have responded, that might help you in the future.

Understanding

It's ok if he didn't see things my way. For me it always feels good to know that I'm understood. It's natural for two people to have different expriences of the same conversation, but if someone lets me know they understand my perspective, it helps me feel less alone. I needed Mike to show that he understood what I was saying, in his own words.

Reflection

Things get even better for me if they can properly guess what I'm going through. Not just that they understand my words, but when they respond letting me hear what I might be missing. I wasn't just complaining to him about wanting to hang with my friend, I felt disappointed and hurt that the good times were gone. If he'd been able to voice the emotions I was struggling to express I would have felt so much more supported in our friendship.

Validation

Sometimes all we need to hear is that our feelings make sense. If Mike had just said, ‘Yeah, that makes sense’ or ‘Most people would feel the same,’ I would’ve felt immediate relief. When someone lets me know that my feelings make sense the burden of confusion is lifted. Instead of living in my head, trying to make sense of a confusing situation, I feel supported.

Reassurance

Sometimes we simply need reassurance. We all want to know that it'll be ok. When friends have a falling out, it's natural to have a twinge of fear. Reassurance from a good friend helps ease that anxiety.

Even reassurance about the friendship isn't possible, a simple "I'm here" usually is. When we go to a friend because we're upset, the most important thing is support in the moment. The future of the friendship can be a different conversation.

Presence

The simplest thing that would have worked was just listening with acknowledgement. Had he listened and nodded along without changing the subject things would have felt so much lighter. No validation or agreement, but warm presence would have felt like our friendship mattered to him.

Conclusion

While most of us have a had a Mike in our lives, we don't need to be one. If we can remember to listen and be responsive to the needs of our friends we can maintain relationships, even when we don't have a lot to give.

It's not about blaming Mike, its about all the ways we can show up for those who matter to us. Any one of these outcomes were better than the disconnection I felt when I asked Mike for support. They may not be familiar but they get easier with a little practice. We don't even have to get it "right" since most people will be happy to receive any kind of support when they are in need. So use one of these techniques with the next person who comes to you needing emotional support. It could be the difference between supporting a friend and losing one.

This work is so important to me. I love to share and discuss it. Have you had a one-sided friendship that you wish had worked out?

Hit reply to this email, I read every one.

Your coach,

Keith