Issue #9 Keith Swallow Newsletter

~5 minute read

Everyone Deserves a Loving Partnership

I've heard the sentiment before, that the best thing a person with an insecure attachment style can do is to not get into a relationship. They'll just hurt people by pulling someone in, someone who could have a better relationship with someone else. I fully disagree.

We Heal in Relationship

Every time an experience goes badly, we need a corrective experience to go well. Ideally that would happen with the same person (after all, people make mistakes and need an opportunity to correct) but that’s not always possible. When that happens we leave one relationship and try to find that corrective experience in the next one. The drive for the initial experience was an unmet need, maybe for closeness. The drive for the corrective experience is that same unmet need, plus the deep need to correct and heal.

Imagine you have a fight with your partner and you were in the wrong. You were angry and called them a name. Obviously hurt, your partner goes quiet and takes some space. Obviously you should apologize, but if you don't correct the experience then they will have learned that brining up controversial issues triggers you. By holding space, hearing them out, and resolving the issues in a caring way, you show your partner that you really are safe, and invested.

In addition to corrective experiences, a secure relationships helps us heal our attachment injuries just by existing. By being close to someone who has a secure world view we are exposed to their behavior, their rhythm, their words, and their thoughts. We see how they interact with others and experience the needs and desires they bring to us. We get to experience, perhaps for the first time, what it looks and feels like to have someone make healthy requests in relationship and how a healthy person handles rejection, disappointment, and misalignment.

In the same scenario above your secure partner did everything right. They acknowledged their hurt. Briefly took space to care for themselves and then, instead of making more out of the issue than it was, allowed you to repair. Their actions set an example for how securely attached people behave during conflict. It's not that they never have fights; it's that they don't add to it and recover quickly.

You Are Not Your Attachment Style

Firstly, people have an attachment style, and that style may be secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. People themselves are not the label. It's common to label people with their behavior and give them that identity, especially bad behavior (thief, liar) but behavior is not who a person is and behavior can change. This change is possible for people's attachment styles as much as it is possible for their gym schedule. If you've ever tried to be consistent in the gym over years, you know that's not as easy as it sounds.

Moreover, these behaviors are expressed in degrees of severity. If someone lied to keep the secret of a surprise birthday party we all intuitively know that's not the same as lying to avoid the repercussions of hurting someone. Both actions are lies, but one is far more severe than the other. So it is with relationship and attachment issues. One person's avoidant behavior may not be as severe as another. Having an anxious attachment style is no more permanent than having a secure one. People grow and change.

Everybody's Got Issues

People with trauma, who have experienced relationship betrayal, or who have had a rough childhood, will have relationship issues. The same is true of people without those things. While two securely attached people may fare the ups and downs of life together better than two people who have an insecure attachment style in their relationship, they will never have a perfect relationship free of difficulties.

I’ve never met a couple who didn’t have some kind of issues in their relationship. Every partnership will trigger us. It will exhaust us at times. We will hurt our partner with our selfishness and inconsiderate human nature. They will do the same to us. It may be disappointing to think that we’re less-than-perfect partners, or scary that the person we invest our lives with may be, too. Thing is, that imperfection is human and unavoidable.

It's Their Choice to Stay or Go

As wonderful as it may be to think that we are so attractive, so amazing, so compelling, that our partner has no choice but to stay, that’s just a fantasy. No amount of effort can make a person stay if they need to leave, and no amount of neglect can make them go if they need to stay. That’s their life journey and while we are with them it is our privilege to spend that time growing together. Obviously we should not be cruel, but in living our lives and doing our best we will unavoidably hurt our partner. Since we can’t make their choice for them, we cannot be responsible for that choice.

How we impact others is one of the most surprising things in life. We may intend to come off as loving and caring only for the other person to feel our presence as overbearing. We may wish to be supportive but the other person may experience us as neglectful. In doing the dance of partnership with another person we can set a positive intention for our impact but our intention and efforts combined are less than half of what happens in the other person's life. The outcomes are beyond what we can know.

What We Lean and Who We Learn With

Even if the relationship isn't good for us, it'll show us the areas where we have poor boundaries, don't love ourselves, and don't know how to love others. Each of those are an invitation to grow.

If we're lucky the partner we're with when we discover those things about us will be the person we grow with. Few of us are that lucky. As we strive to become our happiest, healthiest, and favorite versions of ourselves we may fall out of alignment with the partner we have. For some a loving breakup can be a personal tragedy, but when I look back at my most significant relationships, I see a beautiful journey where two people loved each other as best they could for as long as they could.

Conclusion

A person's history doesn't make them any less (or more) deserving of a loving relationship. If you ever have doubts about your own loveability keep these points in mind: we heal in partnership, secure attachment can practiced, and your partner is here because they choose you. You deserve a loving partnership, we all do. So if you get a shot at a healthy relationship, take it. Lean in. Don't worry that you aren't healed enough yet, healing is what happens within a healthy relationship. And I hope you find it.

Sometimes we let our past limit our future. It doesn't have to be that way. Have you held yourself back and avoided a connection that had real potential? Or have you leaned in and made the most of it? I want to know your story.

Hit reply to this email, I read every one.

Your coach,

Keith