“Empathy and compassion are a waste of energy.” Marcos was a startup founder speaking during a class I taught on workplace relationship repair. One of his main employees hadn’t been putting in effort at work and he was convinced firing them was the best option. I recognized the attitude, results over relationships.
I was surprised to hear him say it, but not shocked by the sentiment. Hearing him say that took me back to my 20’s when I, too, was in a results-over-everything mindset. That was a time when I chose to leave my wife and newborn daughter behind so I could enlist in the Air Force; choosing to put their emotional needs behind the practical needs of providing for my young family. Even in the military I was called aloof for my focus on work over being friendly with coworkers. Years later, it was that same mindset that convinced my wife and I to move our family from Portland to Los Angeles over the protests of our 13 year old daughter, desperate to stay close to the friends who meant so much to her.
Despite my best intentions, I paid a price for each decision. When I enlisted I missed those first three months with my daughter, early times where each day is a new miracle, moments I’ll never get to experience. Moving to LA and ignoring her need for her friends hurt her so much that it took two years for her to integrate to the new school and strained our relationship. Over a decade later and we’re still not as close as we were. In both cases, I was making the decision I thought was best for my family’s financial wellbeing and security, but at the cost of my relationships. I had become someone who sacrificed the feelings of those I loved to get results.
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Over time I started to see how being this person was hurting me and those around me. In 2012 I wrote an exploration of “self-things” as I called them at the time. Self-love, self-respect, self-compassion. It ended up being a list of things I had been denying myself and those around me the entire time. I had hurt my family and myself by my lack of respect for their experience, a lack of compassion for their suffering, and a lack of empathy for their feelings. Every time I chose to put my feelings, or theirs, aside in order to achieve something “more” important I had reinforced an identity of being that uncaring person. Sitting there at my dining table alone, late at night, I realized how unintentionally cruel I had been. It would be years before I fully got out of the pattern.
I resolved to change who I was. It’s been a conscious choice to make different decisions every day, usually with a lot more effort. For me, it meant engaging my teens like the young adults they were and including them in decision making about their lives. It’s meant taking time off work to go with my daughter while she got settled into university. It meant choosing to start a small business so I’d have more flexibility in my schedule for all the relationships in my life. Kindness and compassion even influenced my diet as I chose not to eat meat. I’m also more kind and patient with myself, allowing myself time to rest or nap if I’m exhausted, even if it means I won’t achieve the goal I set for myself. The list goes on, in a million tiny ways I choose to be kind, patient, and compassionate with myself and everyone in my life.
Each of us can choose to be a kind and compassionate person, or we can choose to be results focused at the expense of our relationships. Every day that we choose to live a life more focused on our relationships we become a more relationship oriented person, and our lives become enriched accordingly.
This kind of growth doesn’t happen in isolation. If you’re a man living in LA, come join my monthly men’s circle. We tackle these kinds of challenges together with honesty and support. The next one is on Monday, June 1st at 7:30pm in West Adams. Sign up here.
Fourteen years later I have become someone who cares deeply about others and their feelings, and those around me know it. My son and I talk all the time about how proud of him I am for pursuing his music. The other day we celebrated his birthday with a half-dozen of his friends and band mates. One of my daughters reaches out regularly to tell me how amazing her life is in London. Another one of my daughters shared warmly how she remembers when I started caring about other people’s feelings, including hers. The change is visceral.
Beyond the improvement in my relationships, I feel fundamental shift in who I am. I move through the world now with a gentleness that was never available to me before. When I was in corporate life I had one employee gush about how he’d never been asked what he wanted for his life and career. Another employee let me know that if I join another company she’d definitely come with me because she loved working with me so much. That’s a far cry from the enlistee who was told he was aloof.
Now, when I hear someone say that empathy is a waste of energy I feel a pang of concern for them. Marcos wanted to fire an employee because they weren’t getting the results he needed. I know his mindset, it’s the same one that caused me to choose duty over my daughter’s first months. Marcos can fire his employee, or he can ask why they’re struggling. Either way, he’s choosing who he’ll be tomorrow. Each choice we make creates a new version of who we are.
This is the kind of work I do with clients every day. I’d love to hear your story. When have you chosen results over connection?
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Your coach,
Keith
