Hey Reader,
Last weekend I led an amazing retreat near Temecula. It was a beautiful and transformation experience. People laughed, cried, danced, and connected in ways they never had before. More to come on this but if you've been looking for a restorative retreat I'll be offering daylong experiences in the upcoming months.
More immediately If you're a man in the LA area reading this and relate to the struggle with connecting imperfectly, consider joining my men's circle. It's a place for guys to show up as you are with men who understand.
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Repetition, Repetition, Repetition
There's one thing that undermines connection that few people talk about. A specific expectation that most people have about our partners and are usually oblivious to the fact that they are just as bad. It's the unfortunate human tendency to need things repeated.
Reassurances need to be given often in relationship. To some extent we are used to this idea. It's a common understanding that our partner needs to know we love and cherish them, or that we still find them attractive despite the fact that we saw them bloated and gassy. Being kind to our partner is like bathing for the relationship, we need to do it often for things to stay fresh.
Many of us accept that reassuring our partner is an area where we have to repeat ourselves, it may very well be the only one. When it comes to expressing our needs, informing our partner or our standards for living together, or telling them our tender spots and insecurities we're often far less understanding.
We might, for instance, tell our partner once that they shouldn't talk about our professional accomplishments with aunt Bernice, because she always turns it into an opportunity to brag about her own success. Or we let our partner know it's imperative that the toilet seat be put down in order to avoid late night catastrophe and then, in each case get upset when our partner forget after the single telling.
"It been going on for ages!"
"I told her what I need, why doesn't she get it?"
"I shouldn't have to repeat myself."
"He's an adult, it should be obvious. And besides, I let him know already!"
I hear people say these kinds of things with regularity and it betrays a kind of irrationality that only leads to personal disappointment and harm to the relationship. The assumption that our partner will be able to keep track of the hundreds, if not thousands, of little differences between us and our preferences may be slightly unrealistic.
Moreover, it's uncommon for even the most hardened of perfectionists among us to hold ourselves to the same standard to which we hold our partners. When we fail to remember something we are often blissfully unaware. When we do notice our own shortcomings we dismiss them as unimportant or hurry along to the next important thing to consider. In the end, we rarely uphold our own standards.
Even if we are perfect in our recollection and execution our partner may not be. When we expect our partner to remember things without repetition, and to execute on that remembering perfectly it is our own expectations that make our life difficult. We are the creators of our own misery by expecting divine ability from the mere mortals we have grown to love and choose to have in our lives.
Rather than expect our partner to remember things perfectly we might consider trying a more gentle approach. What would happen when either through distraction, inattentiveness, or simple forgetfulness we are subjected to minor irritations we had previously explained away, we turn to our partner with kindness and gently remind them that we prefer things differently?
A sweet suggestion to our partner that the toilet seat stay down can go a long way to creating the lasting change we are looking for but even if it doesn't, the tenderness with which we engage might. Learning to respond to our partner kindness and patience will do more for our feeling of closeness and safety than any practical change ever could.
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We've all been in a situation where our relationships felt difficult. I'd love to hear about one challenge you've been facing in your relationship. Hit reply and let me know. I read every email.
Your coach,
Keith
