We had been dating for a couple months when she bought the plane ticket for me. I had agreed to the trip in theory, but when she told me it was booked I froze, my mind unable to process what I was feeling. It was like someone had electrocuted my brain. My heart was suddenly pounding and I felt a heat wave wash over my body. If you’ve ever panicked when someone got too close, you know that urge to escape. Who buys a plane ticket for a trip four months out after knowing each other only six weeks?
It wasn’t the tickets per se, but more what they meant to me. I wasn’t ready for her to spend that kind of money on me. How could she know we’d be together in four months? I was terrified at the idea of meeting her friends. I barely knew this woman! I felt trapped and helpless, like any decision I made would blow up in my face.
If you’re a man reading this thinking, “This is me,” you’re not alone. I host a men’s group at the Zula Den in LA where men come together for support. The next one is onMarch 2nd at 7:30pm. There are only 8 spots left, and we’d love to have you join.
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I had a rough upbringing. Both my parents were alcoholics. Instability was the norm and I was not used to someone who wanted to be with me but wasn’t obligated.
Attachment science tells us that people with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style struggle with dependence, obligation, or closeness. Here I was struggling with all three at the same time. Given my history of upheaval and neglect my preference for emotional independence made total sense, even if it was wreaking havoc on my relationships.
Getting close to someone and relying on them felt about as safe as walking a tightrope between skyscrapers.
Maybe you’ve felt that way before, when love feels like a trap.
Healing Required 3 Shifts
I was dimly aware that I was part of the problem but I did have a guide in gaining insight. My journey with talk therapy clicked around the time I realized I wanted to start dating after my divorce. It took about two years of therapy before I had the tools to address my issues.
For me, talk therapy was a way of learning to rely on someone. It became a harness that made that tightrope walk possible.I never had anyone who would reliably support me emotionally. My therapist, Brooke, became that person. No matter what was going on in my life I could look forward to our next session and know that she would be there, with her caring voice and wise insight to help me tend to the chaos I felt inside.
💡 Try this:Next time you shy away from closeness, ask: ‘Which part of me is driving right now? Is it a protector or the wounded kid?’
As I got closer to these parts of my personality that I hadn’t been aware of I started to learn where they had come from. There were times in my childhood when I was scared, helpless, and hungry. Sitting in a cold apartment, eating sandwiches of bread and mayonnaise (the only two foods we had in the house) wasn’t a healthy place for a child. Sometimes coping meant dissociating completely and just staring out the window. Other times it meant arguing and fighting so that I wouldn’t be forgotten.
Brooke’s support rewired my attachment, but deeper healing required I turn inward. A couple times per week I would take time to revisit difficult or painful memories from my past, to get in touch with the emotions of that moment, to feel them in my body, and to support myself in the ways that I needed and never received. I had grown into the adult that I needed as a child.
I spent seven years in therapy learning what I can help guide you through in three months of coaching. If you’re done letting fear write your story, book a free 30-minute consultation with me and we’ll get clear on the things that are blocking you most. 🔍
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Now I’m sitting on the other side of the chasm. I’ve met a few women whom I loved and could have built a life with but they were still healing from their wounds. Ironically, as I learned to love myself it became harder to stay with someone who couldn’t.
These days I can feel when I get the urge to pull away. That gives me a chance to choose differently. Hit reply and let me know: What’s one way you’ve pulled away from love recently? I read every email.
Thank you!
I’m so glad you’re here for this edition of my newsletter.
Here’s to consistent bold action! ⚡
Keith Swallow
P.S. If you’re feeling alone and in need of connection, my Awaken to Connection daylong retreat is a great next step. We’ll do this work together in community on March 7th near Temecula. No more going it alone.
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